apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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