Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
