if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
