Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we're making bets on your personal life
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
