I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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