my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
