it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
cat food counts as protein by the way
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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