her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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