Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
