Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
