I faked an abortion last night.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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