i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
