I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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