so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
