3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
oh god the rape fog is back!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
