Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
