She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize