do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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