nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
