Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
