im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
