Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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