My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
