i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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