look no pants
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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