there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
