who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
