I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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