shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
