Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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