She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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