A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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