Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she peed on how many people?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You pole danced in your parka.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
