Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
