i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize