my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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