Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
