i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize