my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
