Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
