the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
