My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
