i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
