I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
