I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
