I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
