You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I look better un-naked...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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