he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
