Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
