Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
