apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
