just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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