This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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