We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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