You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
