Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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