"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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