Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
