i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
