Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize